Cofftea? Teafee? What the...?

I like coffee. But I'm picky. You might even say that I'm a coffee snob. I don't drink just any old coffee (unless I'm truly desperate). Yes, you guessed it...I like expensive coffee/coffee beverages. (Read: Excellent quality medium-dark roast made well with 2 heaping tsp. sugar per 8 oz. or lattes.)

For that reason, I don't drink it frequently. Well, let's define some things here. What I mean is that my coffee/coffee beverage consumption usually runs about 1-3 cups each week, depending on schedule, what I'm doing, if I feel like drinking empty calories, and if I'm craving an espresso fix. I have no interest in developing a coffee dependency. I would rather keep it as a treat. Besides, I don't feel (as) bad about spending $3.50-$4.00 on one drink per week, if it's only ONCE per week, as opposed to more frequently. And I always get the smallest size (except in true coffee emergencies!). But enough justification of my coffee habits.

So as I was running a couple errands this morning, the coffee craving hit. Mmm....coffee.... I knew I wasn't that far from a Starbucks, so I thought, sure, I'll get something. (Yes, I frequent the evil Starbucks regime...unfortunately on the west side of town, I am lacking the good quality local coffee shops that we know and love on the east side.)

When I go to Starbucks or a similar establishment, I usually want some version of a latte...preferably with a flavor syrup for sweetening. But I want the espresso flavor, with nice creamy milk and the sugar kick. Now from early November through early January, coffee shops provide a delightful array of seasonal drinks involving peppermint, gingerbread, amaretto, eggnog, chocolate, and pumpkin flavors. It is the "happy" season of coffee drinks.

So when I pulled into the drive-thru, although I knew in the back of my head that the "happy" seasonal items were gone, I figured I could perhaps find something tasty and sweet. The first perusal of the menu board was rather a shock. The central part of the menu was filled with...TEA! BLEARGH. (Okay, not that tea is bad in and of itself, but when ou want coffee...not so much.) My brain was in shock.

"Welcome to Starbucks. What can I get for you today?" "Uhhh.....um, uh, well...I don't know."

Pure shock. I don't like new situations, and I usually eschew drive-thrus so that I can have time to stand and peruse my options without feeling rushed to make a decision. So my shocked system frantically searches for something familiar on the board. To the far right I find the frappucinos. Would have been nice last Friday in Dallas, but in chilly, windy, Wichita? Not so much. Finally I find the regular coffee and espresso drinks on the far right of the board. I have never SEEN such a stripped down menu from Starbucks. Something...anything...plain lattes are too strong...need flavor...no flavor options listed...not a mocha...espresso truffle? Yikes.

"Um...I guess I'll take a vanilla latte please."

"Would you like to spice that up today by trying one of our new TAZO tea lattes?"

What the...apparently I'm an obvious candidate for the hard sell. "Uh...well...I suppose I could..."

"The London Fog* latte is really quite good. I even like that one.."

Great...even the employees aren't sold on the menu change. "Um...sure, why not?" (Am I a sucker, or what?) Seriously? London fog? Argh. Nasty tea latte, here we come. Nothing like wanting a warm, creamy infusion of espresso and ending up with a nasty over-spiced tea latte with no espresso taste.

"That will be $3.13." Well...at least that's the least I've paid for any coffee beverage in ages. Not all bad, I guess.

"Here you go. Let it steep for a couple minutes." Huh?!? Ack. Whatever.

It doesn't smell awful. Hmm...

The cute little cardboard cupholder is orange and emblazoned with the Tazo Tea logo. Try our new full leaf tea lattes and tea infusions.

Full leaf tea?!? ARGH....I hate blatant marketing gimmicks. Seriously, I don't think you stuck whole leaves of Camellia sinensis in my drink. (Okay, I looked it up...I couldn't find anything telling me what "full leaf tea" is specifically, other than indicating that it is supposed to be a high quality loose leaf tea. Just to clarify for future reference: loose leaf does not equal tea bag.)

First sip...okay, it's not bad. It's much better than chai latte. But it's still not what I wanted. At least it's drinkable enough to finish. The spices aren't scorching my throat.

Next to last sip...what is this slithering around in my cup? Opening the lid...dang it! There's a tea bag! No wonder the drink was cheaper...they filled space with a tea bag! MROWR.

Starbucks, you have failed me. You have replaced your tasty espresso drinks with nasty "healthy" tea drinks. I will have to find alternate sources of tasty sustenance until you come to your senses.

From the Starbucks Gossip blog: London Fog Latte, an intriguing blend of black tea, citrusy bergamot, French lavender, vanilla and freshly steamed milk.